Hungry

My muscles are left wondering when they'll be given energy again

when I trick myself into sleeping

so I don't have to listen to my stomach constantly asking me

how insane I am

for not giving it food

useless

my body feels

useless

"If you aren't gonna feed me, then let me rest,"

it says to me

You don't control me.

"Oh yeah? watch this."

*stomach pang*

shit.

You don't control me.

I get up

my vision goes black for a second

Where is it?

I taste stink in my mouth

the stink that my tongue secretes

when nothing but water has washed over it that day

washed over it

in vain

"Food."

You don't control me.

Where the hell is it?

"Just some fricken rice or something. Feed me."

Here.

*flips pages*

"I don't think you understand, I need food."

Shut up.

*still flipping*

"This is a bad idea. Why did you guys want to start this."

Just wait.

"Whatever, you're the one who's gonna be tired all day."

*flipping*

"What is in there that will make this better?"

*flip* *flip* *flip*

"Stop."

Shut up.

"Eat."

Matthew. Where the hell is Matthew. It's the first gospel. Where is Matthew.

Dear Lord, please, silence this voice.

Matthew...Jesus, where are you. In the desert, where are you.

"I need food. Soon."

No, you don't. I don't. Just be quiet. For a second, please.

"I could give up on you, you know. You'd faint. You'd lay there and then people would force you to eat."

I don't need it.

"Eat."

No.

"Elise, eat."

No.

"EAT FOOD"

Here. I found it. I found it, you asshole.

it is written: man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

*silence*

You. Do not. Control. Me.

hHuOmLaYn

as I sit and feel the gentleness of your heart

in what it would have been like

for your hand as a newborn

to wrap around my pinky

and squeeze

I remember

you were human too

you were human

for thirty years

you waited to start your work

which means maybe you were twenty

like me

and itching to start your work

like me

but knowing the time wasn't right yet

maybe you were frustrated

like me

cuz you were human

you apprenticed your carpenter father

who you knew wasn't your father

but honored and loved and revered as if he were

you spent years making

chairs

tables

doors

wagons

crucifixes

even though you knew you'd never use that trade when it came down to it

you were human

you went hungry, you ate till you slept

you probably vomited

you drank

you cried, you itched, you sang, you coughed, you choked, you joked

you laughed, hard

in your holiness you redeem, heal and restore

and in the quietness of your spirit

like a baby blinking into his first light

or yawning his first yawn

you remind me

you were human

I Hear Your Colors

Your rainbow sings a song to me
the sweetest that I've heard
with every single color seen
You speak a different word

"With this Red I cover you
the color of My blood
you are Mine this color speaks
the color of My love

Orange like the start and end
of every single day
dawn will break though dusk sets in
and by your side I'll stay

Come and taste My sweetness in
the Yellow of My life
that tickles laughter from your lips
like creamy custard pie

Green like life will spring up new
when water fills you, Blue
Old will pass and new will come
I'll pour Me into you

Indigo colors the sky
you look to find your peace
I'll lift your spirit up to Mine
your stress and fears release

Robed in Violet majesty
I run to you, full stride
even though you turned away
My arms will hold you tight."

Sing to me in colors
My Instrument and Song
I am Yours and You are mine
to Your Rainbow I belong

More, Jesus

When you move

it's like Tupac's rose

that grew from concrete

blooming right before my eyes

silently

taking away my breath

tears

When you move

I lose myself

tears

When you move

ashes are taken

and traded for beauty

restoring

healing

sound

Beauty

tears

would fall from my eyes

if I could just cry a little easier

but they do fall

from my heart my tears fall

in awe of how you move

content in what you're doing

but deep down feeling the need for more

more of your moving

in places that are still broken and cracked

where only you

can bring a rose to grow

through the cracks of the concrete

tears

Solid Grace

Lots of people view 'grace' as a passive act

but let me tell you how my view of Grace was revamped

Grace didn't just erase

Grace stood in my place

and kept away all the dark faces

whose dark mouths told me dark lies

Grace doesn't turn a blind eye

He sees me in my totality and steps in to fight

Saying, 'Hey, you ain't touchin' her tonight, she's mine."

Yeah, that's right

I belong to Grace

A legacy made strong through a resurrected death for me

Sanctioned, sealed and set for me

saying, 'You can find your rest in Me.'

See, Grace has power

Grace has strength

Grace has told me that as He takes the hits, this life is mine to take

He comes down to this hard ground and meets me

speaks to me in a whisper like

a firm wind through dancing trees

"Elise, are you listening to me?

Listen to me.

I love you.

I am so in love with you.

Sing for me."

Good Morning, Lovely

My words don't weigh heavy like stones anymore

but they are like fresh fruit

dipped in the morning dew of Grace

ripened bright by the light that shines from my Father's face

cuz where there was once bitterness

Sweet has replaced

Awakening the places in my mouth that Sour once reigned

Sweet reclaims

You are the honey that brings me home

like a bee with her very own honeycomb

I like the new light this morning brings

Like the sun reflects of the very crown of my King

putting my tired spirit at ease

I can finally breathe

Heavy Word

I was standing around at work today

and my manager was talking to his boss about how we got slammed with customers earlier that morning

"murdered" they called it

"Man, we got fricken murdered this morning!"

and his boss says

"Yeah, at our store, we got raped!"

Raped? Really?

Can you for real sit there and use that term so lightly?

Unless all your workers were held down, strapped to the ground and your customers forced themselves upon you with their breath breathing up your face as you cry out in disgrace

then yes, by all means, please say you got raped today

But let me ask you something:

Can you sleep well tonight?

Or are your dreams poisoned by

images

images of their faces

sitting around

laughing

cackling at you

as one of their friends

thrusts and thrusts and thrusts up into you

and you can't do anything but

wonder how far they're gonna go till it's over

till they've had enough to dispose of you

on the side of a curb next to a trash can

leaving, driving away cuz now they feel more like a man having

dominated

violated

evaporated

every sense of security and sound mind you thought you had

Now I don't know about this personally, no

this ain't never happened to me

but there was one

yeah, there was one

One previously torn apart and broken down

from the broken family she grew up around

but she didn't let that hold her from going further

she was blossoming into something beautiful

life like water was flowing free from the forgiveness and peace she was giving and receiving

and then

and then

her sister calls me up one day

and what does she say?

"Elise, something bad happened, babe."

Elise, something bad happened, I'm thinking, Elise, something bad happened.

"Last night, Justine was sexually assaulted."

RAPED

See? Even she couldn't say it! EVEN SHE COULDN'T SAY IT SO WHY SHOULD YOU?

Bullshit, I don't even wanna hear it

cuz you know nothing

you know nothing about that night that replays in my mind

tinted in that evil green

their five faces hidden behind

the little-boy baseball caps they pulled down over their eyes and their intentions

five guys hanging out outside her dorm room

thinking maybe just one sexy girl will come home soon

and there she comes

my friend there she comes just from another night

and she's got school the next day so she bid goodbye to her friends early

at 9PM

NINE PM

she wasn't even asking for it

it was 9 PM

as soon as it hit dark it was enough for them

so they grabbed her a forced her into a van

stripping off her favorite pink Roxy shirt that she threw away after that

cuz even the feeling of the cloth on her skin made her mind reminisce on that night

that night where she put up her best fight against the five

and lost not just her body but her trust

from a bunch of boys driven by their lust

I saw her the next night

the first night she got the chance to sleep

if you wanna call it sleeping

she kicked her legs around, dipping in and out of infected dreams

her sister trying to whisper peace in her ear in between her quiet screams

that she shouldn't fear cuz it was us here now

Shane and Shane on the radio crying for God to Be Near

"Be near, O God, Be near, O God of us. Your nearness is to us our good."

They strummed us through the darkest night

as we prayed for light

to somehow pierce through and help us fight for her

to carry our sister with words of promises

that seemed as far away as yesterday

when everything was still bright

So please, watch your words

cuz that word strikes a chord in me

that obviously does not resonate in you

Do not say that it's true

that you

got 'raped' today

Song Idea:

'Rubba Slippa'

Go Hike

Go Beach

Go Wedding

Skate in da street

Rubba slippa nevah let you down

Even if da ting broke

Jus push um through the hole, pau

All better

No need fuss

Cuz Rubba Slippa

Work fo' us

Rubba Slippa

Rubba Slippa

4 dollars, cheap

Rubba Slippa

Rubba Slippa

Good fo' any time you need

Roses

We are all roses
who decided we wanted feet
choosing to uproot ourselves
from being rooted deep
in a soil so rich
providing all our needs
to show the world
that we are roses
that can walk on our own
and talk on our own
we are flowers
that have power
even as our petals dry up and fade
we still do the soil-for-feet trade
Why choose power
over Beauty?