#2: Heart House

You could walk right through the door to my heart
You made it
My heart
The door
The locks
You know what's inside
You designed it
What's working
What's been worn down
broken

You know all this

and yet You stand there as if I need to give You the keys
when You could just speak
the words You speak to part seas
and calm them

You still knock
and ask if You may come in
waiting for me to give You the keys
not so You can come and go as You please
cuz You'll never leave
but so I give my trust
my love
and You can claim my heart
as Your own
Your home


Knock Knock.

Excitement Laced in Cool Air

It's like I can feel myself breathe
cool coursing down my wind pipes
awakening
everything that didn't even know
it wasn't fully alive
and seeing it
hhhaahh
color unseen air white then hide again reminds me
someone was right
we are but a mist

It's like Eclipse Polar Ice chewing gum
running itself all around my insides
I breathe in
polar bears and penguins dancing to the rhythm of snowflakes touching the ground
each emitting it's own melody
with a mist of powdered ease

My vision becomes sharper
my senses enhanced
anticipation and excitement laced in every breath of air
sticking to my lungs like sweet sour
shock tarts

I'm ready

Twenty

101709

'Nothing happens at 20!'

'Yeah, you're just not a teenager anymore.'

'One more yeeeeearrr!!!'

'Have you thought about your 21st?'

To tell you the truth, I'm very okay with being at this in-between kinda age

cuz i'm at an in-between kinda stage in my life

Nothing too exciting

just keeping steady

ready for what I'm supposed to do next

kinda like waiting for break-time to be over

I'm fine resting, just come along when You're ready and say what needs to be done

I'll stretch out a little bit and then walk along side You

anticipating this new life like a kid looking out a window waiting for Daddy to come home

So no, I haven't thought about my 21st

cuz I'm just fine with Twenty first

Little Strummer Girl

I just wanted to come and play for him

Would you mind?

I won't be too loud

Just a little melody to help him sleep tonight

I don't have a drum

but I have this guitar to strum

I'm not great

but something told me he wanted me to come

to even just play one song

cuz he wants me here with him

to sing him into his first day

I don't know why

he could have anybody here

but as I peer into his eyes

he's not surprised to see me

and though surprise should meet me

knowing he's never seen me

but seeing him smile like he's known me all the while

peace greets me

Little Strummer Girl, play for my Son

He and I have come for you

it's true

Play the song you

have tonight

I'll have my stars out shining bright

Light will come and kiss the Earth

as your words lightly kiss His face

Come strum, Strummer Girl

Show Him what, to you, I gave

to paint this night with colors of praise

Strr-um-ba-dum-dum

Home

Mmm

Long day

I come and lay into

the cool side of my pillow

the warmth waiting for me

in between my sheets

breathe

air filling
my head on your chest
inhaling fresh linen
the raw smell of your skin
the holy embrace you hold me in


I'm home

Procrastination

Frick.

Second Name

I got a second name

I don't know if you heard

it came available for me to get when the Word became flesh

and turned

the whole world around

a world caught in a dimension, 1

expanded into 3D through the Father, Spirit and Son

3D now I see the earth and every person

in a whole new light

cuz I been given a whole new life

with my

second name

dripping in His fame

I don't even exist anymore

praise GOD I don't exist anymore

I'm claimed

sealed off to be part of this

3D world of reversal

tables turned

the poor called the richest

and the least the greatest

the fools that think themselves wisest

lying on the bottom of the VIP list

sinners sitting at the table of God

sipping fine wine

dining on food not just for their bodies but their souls

sinners like me given second names

for a second chance to stand and change

be changed

be in awe of the ways

their lives play out

when our lives like cracked concrete broken

drink and soak in the rain

we see roses that growses up beneath our toses

a fragrance so smooth reaching up to our noses

supposes that there's definitely more to me

than cracked open broken concrete

No, I'm those roses budding and flowering

opening my soul to those bees

which then pollinate the trees

spreading seeds back to the earth

growing more Beauty through concrete

appeasing a Beautiful God

making Beautiful from flawed

yes, that's the world I belong to

and so do you

we're all meant to have second names

second chances to stand and change

a man named Bitter

renamed Sweet

a woman named Abandoned

renamed Reclaimed

and me?

A girl named Elise

a.k.a. Needing Approval From People Instead of God

renamed Standing on Her Own Two Feet Upon the Rock of Her King

I got a second name

I don't know if you heard

Word became flesh and turned

this mess around

with songs sounding freedom like trumpets

grace like rain

I know now, pain and refining

the tears that I was crying

were not in vain

cuz I got my second name

Disclaimer: Two things that influenced this poem

Tupac Shakur's "The Rose That Grew From Concrete"

The "Moses Supposes His Toses Were Roses" Song

Analogy #1: Stinky People

So I've been going back and forth on this idea, cuz I think it's kinda lame, but fun at the same time, and decided to just start it. What the heck, right?

Every so often, I'll notice something and God will show me something about Himself or life in it. So these are those.

Warning: Squirt-canned cheesiness may appear at the top of these portions of thoughts. Please spoon it off, eat it if you like, and pay attention to what's underneath. I hope it'll be worth it, even if it only makes you stop and think for a little while before you start your day again.

Stinky People

Ten days before Thanksgiving, 3 of my friends and I went on the Daniel fast (only eating fruits and vegetables). The first few days, I was stinky, all around: my breath stank, my bodily gases (aka FARTS) stank...among other things =) I texted my friends to express my wonder at the smells that my body was producing. One of them texted back and said, "It's cuz all that stink is inside you and the food is cleaning you out!"

Hm.

So being cleaned out means...being stinky? I thought cleaning=shiny, pine-sol smelling, dust-freeness, but this cleaning was different. This cleaning needed to get all the crap inside of me out before 'clean' was achieved.

And that made me think.

If we are a people being refined and cleaned from the inside out by a Bread and a Water that is not of this world, we should stink spiritually. It should be noticeable to us and to the people around us (stinky Jesus farts in yo FACE!).

Ahem...excuse that.

Anyway, what I'm saying is if I'm fully allowing myself to be consumed by a consuming, ferocious God, then I shouldn't be able to control it. If I'm fully surrendered to it, it'll be out of my hands, and my spiritual stink should inhabit the air around me, showing the world that stink maybe isn't so stinky. Maybe we've been too comfortable with breathing our own air and we need Jesus to come, clean us out, and change the way we breathe. Maybe He's making stinky normal, even sweet.

I know I have a problem with being stinky. I don't like standing out if I'm stepping on people's toes or making someone uncomfortable. It's something that God is gently showing me how to give to Him.

But in our surrender, getting lost in the wondrous, consuming fire that our God is, let's be okay with being stinky. God sure delights in it. I should too.

So let's go friends. Let's go cut some Sweet Jesus Farts. Stink it up! Cheeeeee heeee!

Hungry

My muscles are left wondering when they'll be given energy again

when I trick myself into sleeping

so I don't have to listen to my stomach constantly asking me

how insane I am

for not giving it food

useless

my body feels

useless

"If you aren't gonna feed me, then let me rest,"

it says to me

You don't control me.

"Oh yeah? watch this."

*stomach pang*

shit.

You don't control me.

I get up

my vision goes black for a second

Where is it?

I taste stink in my mouth

the stink that my tongue secretes

when nothing but water has washed over it that day

washed over it

in vain

"Food."

You don't control me.

Where the hell is it?

"Just some fricken rice or something. Feed me."

Here.

*flips pages*

"I don't think you understand, I need food."

Shut up.

*still flipping*

"This is a bad idea. Why did you guys want to start this."

Just wait.

"Whatever, you're the one who's gonna be tired all day."

*flipping*

"What is in there that will make this better?"

*flip* *flip* *flip*

"Stop."

Shut up.

"Eat."

Matthew. Where the hell is Matthew. It's the first gospel. Where is Matthew.

Dear Lord, please, silence this voice.

Matthew...Jesus, where are you. In the desert, where are you.

"I need food. Soon."

No, you don't. I don't. Just be quiet. For a second, please.

"I could give up on you, you know. You'd faint. You'd lay there and then people would force you to eat."

I don't need it.

"Eat."

No.

"Elise, eat."

No.

"EAT FOOD"

Here. I found it. I found it, you asshole.

it is written: man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

*silence*

You. Do not. Control. Me.

hHuOmLaYn

as I sit and feel the gentleness of your heart

in what it would have been like

for your hand as a newborn

to wrap around my pinky

and squeeze

I remember

you were human too

you were human

for thirty years

you waited to start your work

which means maybe you were twenty

like me

and itching to start your work

like me

but knowing the time wasn't right yet

maybe you were frustrated

like me

cuz you were human

you apprenticed your carpenter father

who you knew wasn't your father

but honored and loved and revered as if he were

you spent years making

chairs

tables

doors

wagons

crucifixes

even though you knew you'd never use that trade when it came down to it

you were human

you went hungry, you ate till you slept

you probably vomited

you drank

you cried, you itched, you sang, you coughed, you choked, you joked

you laughed, hard

in your holiness you redeem, heal and restore

and in the quietness of your spirit

like a baby blinking into his first light

or yawning his first yawn

you remind me

you were human

I Hear Your Colors

Your rainbow sings a song to me
the sweetest that I've heard
with every single color seen
You speak a different word

"With this Red I cover you
the color of My blood
you are Mine this color speaks
the color of My love

Orange like the start and end
of every single day
dawn will break though dusk sets in
and by your side I'll stay

Come and taste My sweetness in
the Yellow of My life
that tickles laughter from your lips
like creamy custard pie

Green like life will spring up new
when water fills you, Blue
Old will pass and new will come
I'll pour Me into you

Indigo colors the sky
you look to find your peace
I'll lift your spirit up to Mine
your stress and fears release

Robed in Violet majesty
I run to you, full stride
even though you turned away
My arms will hold you tight."

Sing to me in colors
My Instrument and Song
I am Yours and You are mine
to Your Rainbow I belong

More, Jesus

When you move

it's like Tupac's rose

that grew from concrete

blooming right before my eyes

silently

taking away my breath

tears

When you move

I lose myself

tears

When you move

ashes are taken

and traded for beauty

restoring

healing

sound

Beauty

tears

would fall from my eyes

if I could just cry a little easier

but they do fall

from my heart my tears fall

in awe of how you move

content in what you're doing

but deep down feeling the need for more

more of your moving

in places that are still broken and cracked

where only you

can bring a rose to grow

through the cracks of the concrete

tears

Solid Grace

Lots of people view 'grace' as a passive act

but let me tell you how my view of Grace was revamped

Grace didn't just erase

Grace stood in my place

and kept away all the dark faces

whose dark mouths told me dark lies

Grace doesn't turn a blind eye

He sees me in my totality and steps in to fight

Saying, 'Hey, you ain't touchin' her tonight, she's mine."

Yeah, that's right

I belong to Grace

A legacy made strong through a resurrected death for me

Sanctioned, sealed and set for me

saying, 'You can find your rest in Me.'

See, Grace has power

Grace has strength

Grace has told me that as He takes the hits, this life is mine to take

He comes down to this hard ground and meets me

speaks to me in a whisper like

a firm wind through dancing trees

"Elise, are you listening to me?

Listen to me.

I love you.

I am so in love with you.

Sing for me."

Good Morning, Lovely

My words don't weigh heavy like stones anymore

but they are like fresh fruit

dipped in the morning dew of Grace

ripened bright by the light that shines from my Father's face

cuz where there was once bitterness

Sweet has replaced

Awakening the places in my mouth that Sour once reigned

Sweet reclaims

You are the honey that brings me home

like a bee with her very own honeycomb

I like the new light this morning brings

Like the sun reflects of the very crown of my King

putting my tired spirit at ease

I can finally breathe

Heavy Word

I was standing around at work today

and my manager was talking to his boss about how we got slammed with customers earlier that morning

"murdered" they called it

"Man, we got fricken murdered this morning!"

and his boss says

"Yeah, at our store, we got raped!"

Raped? Really?

Can you for real sit there and use that term so lightly?

Unless all your workers were held down, strapped to the ground and your customers forced themselves upon you with their breath breathing up your face as you cry out in disgrace

then yes, by all means, please say you got raped today

But let me ask you something:

Can you sleep well tonight?

Or are your dreams poisoned by

images

images of their faces

sitting around

laughing

cackling at you

as one of their friends

thrusts and thrusts and thrusts up into you

and you can't do anything but

wonder how far they're gonna go till it's over

till they've had enough to dispose of you

on the side of a curb next to a trash can

leaving, driving away cuz now they feel more like a man having

dominated

violated

evaporated

every sense of security and sound mind you thought you had

Now I don't know about this personally, no

this ain't never happened to me

but there was one

yeah, there was one

One previously torn apart and broken down

from the broken family she grew up around

but she didn't let that hold her from going further

she was blossoming into something beautiful

life like water was flowing free from the forgiveness and peace she was giving and receiving

and then

and then

her sister calls me up one day

and what does she say?

"Elise, something bad happened, babe."

Elise, something bad happened, I'm thinking, Elise, something bad happened.

"Last night, Justine was sexually assaulted."

RAPED

See? Even she couldn't say it! EVEN SHE COULDN'T SAY IT SO WHY SHOULD YOU?

Bullshit, I don't even wanna hear it

cuz you know nothing

you know nothing about that night that replays in my mind

tinted in that evil green

their five faces hidden behind

the little-boy baseball caps they pulled down over their eyes and their intentions

five guys hanging out outside her dorm room

thinking maybe just one sexy girl will come home soon

and there she comes

my friend there she comes just from another night

and she's got school the next day so she bid goodbye to her friends early

at 9PM

NINE PM

she wasn't even asking for it

it was 9 PM

as soon as it hit dark it was enough for them

so they grabbed her a forced her into a van

stripping off her favorite pink Roxy shirt that she threw away after that

cuz even the feeling of the cloth on her skin made her mind reminisce on that night

that night where she put up her best fight against the five

and lost not just her body but her trust

from a bunch of boys driven by their lust

I saw her the next night

the first night she got the chance to sleep

if you wanna call it sleeping

she kicked her legs around, dipping in and out of infected dreams

her sister trying to whisper peace in her ear in between her quiet screams

that she shouldn't fear cuz it was us here now

Shane and Shane on the radio crying for God to Be Near

"Be near, O God, Be near, O God of us. Your nearness is to us our good."

They strummed us through the darkest night

as we prayed for light

to somehow pierce through and help us fight for her

to carry our sister with words of promises

that seemed as far away as yesterday

when everything was still bright

So please, watch your words

cuz that word strikes a chord in me

that obviously does not resonate in you

Do not say that it's true

that you

got 'raped' today

Song Idea:

'Rubba Slippa'

Go Hike

Go Beach

Go Wedding

Skate in da street

Rubba slippa nevah let you down

Even if da ting broke

Jus push um through the hole, pau

All better

No need fuss

Cuz Rubba Slippa

Work fo' us

Rubba Slippa

Rubba Slippa

4 dollars, cheap

Rubba Slippa

Rubba Slippa

Good fo' any time you need

Roses

We are all roses
who decided we wanted feet
choosing to uproot ourselves
from being rooted deep
in a soil so rich
providing all our needs
to show the world
that we are roses
that can walk on our own
and talk on our own
we are flowers
that have power
even as our petals dry up and fade
we still do the soil-for-feet trade
Why choose power
over Beauty?

Dear November,

I'd like to offer you the chance to not exist this year. If you could talk to October and move Halloween up a few days, give a quick 'hey' to those November Birthdays, then come over and leave Thanksgiving on my doorstep, that'd be great. No, it's not you, it's just that I fancy December a bit more than I fancy your turkey and gravy.

Why?

Because I'm ready.

I'm ready for my iTunes and all the Christian radio stations to start playing Christmas music all day every day for the next month and a half: Mariah Carey only wanting You for Christmas, N*SYNC spreading joy in the room from the floor to the ceiling, and all of us as one coming and adoring Him, on Holy and Silent Nights.

I'm ready for cool rain that transforms my apartment from tiny to cozy. Rain that nips at my heels like grade-school friends running after me, my breath quickening as I pursue 'base', the place where they can't 'tag-you're-it' me and I'm safe.

I'm ready for the stress of the city to lift and dissipate right along with the muggy heat and cool air tickle it's way all throughout body, heart and mind. People trading skepticism for kindness when they look at my friends on the side of the street, houseless, maybe even taking time to see into their eyes.

You understand, right?

I want the green and reds to bright up the night, Surf-Shorts-Santa sitting with his Mrs. outside The Hale, shooting a jolly shaka to all us wide-eyed, acting like we haven't seen them every Christmas of our lives.

And as much as I didn't want The Carpenters Christmas album played in my Dad's house as we hoisted up the Christmas Tree (that we listened to every Christmas long before I came to be), I don't ever see how'd I'd have Christmas without them calling me Darling and wishing me Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I'm ready for the Fire Station to put the wire Christmas lights back up at that park, so when I go up there to sing to Jesus it won't be so dark.

I want my friends and family back home so we can be together again, having memories meet us on those nights that know no end.

Please consider this, a personal gift. You ain't gotta tell nobody, it's a secret, you and me. In fact, just take your month off. Go get at those other worlds and show 'em some good November time.

Sincerely, Elise



P.S.--If you could talk to June, July and August and have 'em drop off some mangoes, you'll have my heart forever. Thanks, friend.

That Blue

"It's Blue!"

"What's blue?"

"The ocean. I didn't know it was actually That Blue."

That Blue.

That Blue that makes it look like you can stick your big Bubble-Tea sized straw into and drink in the Vanilla Blue Slush Puppie flavor that it looks like it holds.

Not bluesy-blue but calmy-blue.

That Blue that makes you wonder just how far you'd have to swim to touch a finger to the bottom.

That Beautiful Blue.

Without even feeling the cool of your water, you

inhabit my very breath

saturating it the way the salt saturates your

Beautiful Blue-ness

giving air salty blue breathy texture

I forget I'm a body of mostly water

until I'm in your body of water

not realizing how much I've been holding onto

until you lap up against my stresses and they let go

I forget how loud it is out here

until I dive under and let your silent peace still my mind

Not wanting to ever leave

cuz it's the most sane I've felt in a long time

They can think I fight for nothing

But That Blue

reminds me of You

and that I do

stand for everything that is good

Anchored

It used to just be a flame that flared up the blew away

but now it's an anchor

My passion

is an anchor

rather than something that I feel for a little bit then fizzles out

No, it's anchored now, in my soul

I don't just feel it, I know

I know that You want me to Go

Not right now, but someday

Fa' sho

So I'm not anxious any...mo'

Cuz ho, Imma GO!

The Wise

082209

Don't talk back to your mom or grandmother
cuz there's a fact that she'll never use against you
even though she could:

She wiped your ass when no one else would.

We see them struggling with turning on TVs and DVD Players and we laugh
well that's cuz back then they didn't need those things we now see as necessities
If they were bored
they got off of their butts and did something about it
in fact, they didn't even have time to be bored
cuz they worked hard
the lives we live now are built on their backs
the backs of plantation workers, busboys, janitors, waiters, housekeepers, and babysitters
but we still whine
we sit and cry
when we're told we have to walk to school today
or catch TheBus
TheBus. God forbid! Not TheBus!!
Riding publicly? With all those...people??
Shut your well-fed mouth.
TheBus took your grandmother to Chinatown everyday
so you could eat
survive
live
and learn
so you could have your turn and take your place in this world
hopefully a better place than hers

"Go be pharmacy. Good money. Air conditioned."
That's what my Yin Yin says to me all the time
because she doesn't want my body to break
like hers had to sometimes

If only we stopped to look at the forever that's been worked into their eyes
we'd see we don't know so much about life as we thought we did
cuz our lives right now ain't nothing like when they were kids

so why don't we stop pointing and laughing
and acknowledge that they
they are the ones who hold more wisdom
than we can find through any of these people we glue our eyes to through our TVs
Wisdom is written into every wrinkle on their skin
every piece of knowledge they have
is drawn up out of their minds
and colors their hair gray, saying, "Hey, come, listen. There is something here to be shared."

They are The Wise
and we're not meant to just feed off the food they cook
but their wrinkles, their gray hairs, and their eyes

Jeremy and Joe

Jeremy Camp asked me tonight:

"Would you take the place of this Man? Would you take the nails from His hands?"

Each one of his strums pressed the questions deeper into my mind

My reply?

No.

And it's because of a man I met once

A man named Joe.

We sat with Joe on a cold day

on cold hard stone steps

that contrasted the softness of his heart

his heart that was broken and beaten

and on the verge of bleeding

knowing that it needs healing

but not asking for it cuz he'd feel he's wasting his breath

when all he feels he can ask for is a good death

He spoke his thoughts in few words

words as heavy as all the tears he's never cried

They all sunk into my pores

saturating me with his Joe-brokenness

that I was willing to carry even if just for that moment

so that he could feel light in what he shared

knowing that somebody cared

He got up and left

leaving me with a piece of his heavy heart

that weighed soundly on my shoulders, back and chest

My friends cried the tears I couldn't seem to find

and I wondered how he's been living his life

with all of what I was feeling kept inside

Joe, I thought, Please know, you're not alone

Joe please know I'll remember your life the rest of mine

Please see the tears they cry

that neither you nor I can seem to find

and I hope you can look the sky one morning

and know that a good death has already taken place

so that you can have a full life

What I experienced for one

This Man experienced for millions

in one day

I honestly wonder how He didn't go insane

so No, I wouldn't take His place or His nails

but I'll take the rest prevailed in His death

and I hope you do the same

Resignation

There's a stillness this time

There's a calm

and I hope I can find the right words

to help you see that

I'm not fighting this time

I'm flowing

It's not just a feeling this time

It's knowing

There's not boiling passion attached to it

It just Is

and I won't build up evidence to present my case

cuz it's not something I have to shove in your face

but that I want to get inside you and touch your mind

and your heart as it has mine

Apprehension and Peace

The two emotions only God can put together and say, "Trust Me. This is good."

That's it. There's no more to this. I'm gonna pray that you take it because I still need you, but if you don't, then I don't know what else to say. I won't try and change you cuz convincing won't do anything.

I'm confident and secure.

How can I help you understand?

30

30

is the number that I turn the dial of my volume to in my car

when I want the music just loud enough to sing into

and not above

just loud enough

to get lost

30

helps me unwind

30

makes the world go away

and 30

was your number

when you decided to lose everything

to gain

us

30

made the world unwind

because death couldn't stand the music

Jeremiah 20

Jeremiah! I hear you! You command praise with one breath, then cry out against your life in the next. But there's no going back for you, is there? Indeed, his words are a fire in your heart and a fire shut up in your bones. You cannot hold it in or it will consume you in your entirety. It's the most incredible, flustering, limb-shaking thing you've ever experienced. Yes, that is life. Your spirit pulling exact opposite of your flesh, with your skin threatening to rip right off of your bones. Praise God, Jeremiah! Curse the day of your birth! Speak of joy! Cry out in anguish in the pain you feel in every single bruise and cut that's been beaten into you for speaking only destruction over your very own people! But yes! Know your God hears you! You have true life. Embrace it then disown it, only to fall to your knees, pick it up, dust it off, and put it on again because it's the only thing you know that is worth living for. Be desperate and satisfied, yearning and content, rested and weary. There's nothing better.

You're Alive

"Do you ever just realize that you're, like....alive?"

"Yes."

"How do you explain it?"

"You can't."

C.C.B.

I finally figured out why I haven't let you go.

It's your face.

My mind can't comprehend that yes, you have changed, but your face looks the same. I look at you and only see the person I knew you to be. Your eyes the same. Your hair the same. Your lips the same. How can you be so different when everything else remains? I try to look harder, tracing the lines in your face to see what's left or what's come but I can't find it. Where are you now? Where did you lose that part of you that I knew went along with everything else that's in front of me? Are you still in there somewhere? Will my voice awaken and draw to light the one who's ears used to be tickled by it's sound? Will my eyes meet yours, and make the world I used to get lost in set in motion again?

What has stolen your wonder? The wonder I could see stirring in your mind when your eyes would look up-sideward, your mouth ease into a smile?

What has stolen the humility you carried with your head bowed? When your eyelids rested together, your lips muttering into a silent eternity?

Your arms still look like they could hold me. Your eyes like they still know me.

But none of this is who you are now

and I think I'll have to get past your face if I'm ever going to get past you and me

and what I still think we could be

cuz I could stand here and try to restore you to the person I knew before

But I think what I need to do is close my eyes

and just hear you speak

cuz in whatever brief words you'd have to say about how the heart I knew and this face I see don't belong together any longer

I'll know

I'll know you're gone

So I'll close my eyes and hear you speak

cuz I can't let go with your face right in front of me

The Cry of My Awakening Heart

She got put in jail for having her pants on just a little too tight

Forty lashes on her back tonight

and I'm a thousand miles away

feeling almost helpless in the fact that all I can do is pray

Lord, reach out your hand to her

cover her hurt

as she asks why you have forsaken her

as I ask why you have forsaken her

God why have you forsaken these who are weak and in need?

Help it make sense in my head, please

I just don't understand

I want to help her, God

If they'd even let me take just one of her lashes God, I would

If they'd let me tend to her, mend her bloody cuts God, I would

Tell me how I'm supposed to lay down comfy tonight with her in the front of my mind

or how I'm supposed to take a bite of my heated meal

without first hurting for the ones who haven't had

anything hit their stomachs in days?

If all I can do is pray, God, hear me now

Hear me loud

Save your children from the grip of sickness, hunger and slavery

Hear their hearts cry out for saving and save, God

Hear oppression in every whip that cracks on their backs

and every butt of a gun that is run into the head of one

who refuses to fight in a war against his brother

And God, let America know we ain't the only ones in this world

No, there are others

Not just a select few

Oh, God, if they knew

If they only knew that the majority of mankind

sleeps in poverty right now

We think we're the normal ones but if we look at the rest of the continents

we'll see that poor is normal

and we're actually the weird ones

Closets full of clothes

We're the weird ones

One car for every member of the family

We're the weird ones

Two parents, a full house and in the kitchen a meal cooking to eat with forks and knives and top off the night with a hot shower

We're the weird ones!

God, you know I'd trade all my cozy rights of USA today

to become poor and normal

But for so many reasons this ain't the season just yet

So I'll wait on you to change the weather

For now

I'll cry out for the woman with forty lashes awaiting her

and I'll pray the floodgates of Heaven open up

and fill my cup along with the cup

of many who share pain

God, do not let my cry be in vain

The Smile

Why is it that women exchange smiles

when passing off the stall of a public restroom to the next person?

I just pee'd *smile*

Huu that felt good! *smile*

I wonder if they're gonna smell that... *smile*

You sure you wanna come in here? *smile*

Oh they have no idea... *smile*

I just find it kind of funny.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:

Food.
Think about it. We were created with a physical need to consume sustainance in order to survive. If we don't eat or drink, after a while, we will die. God knows this. He created it within us.

And this is what gets me: He doesn't just give us some random staple, like rice, to live on (as wonderful a thing as rice is), He gives us variety. He gives food tastes. Rich tastes of beef, sweet juicy tastes of mango, spicy tastes of curry. THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF FOOD! Is anyone else feeling me on this? I don't know if I'm explaining myself thoroughly enough: God LOVES us, and has therefore given us so much amazingness to choose from.

I thought I could explain this better, but I guess I can't. I'm too excited right now. Hopefully this will click in your brain like it has in mine and you will be filled with joy for every taste that hits your taste buds and makes them sing out in exultation to their Creator.

untitled song 1 + untitled song 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW-8L0_NtyM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxpSbNuQszw

it breaks in the middle, sorry.

The first one is about how God calls us to just go deeper based on his promises that He will take care of us.

The second one is about the poor and how we need to do something about it not just for them, but for us, because we need them in our lives too.

Super Speed

I flew down a parking garage on a bamboo board with wheels

and I almost died

but I didn't

I safely made it to the bottom in one piece

that struggled to hold itself together

because it was shaking with adrenaline

coursing it's way through my veins so fast that it made my limbs vibrate

and my breathing heavy

tickling an inescapable smile onto my face

There can't be a high better than this,

I thought

Who needs drugs? I got my piece of wood and newly oiled ball-bearings

I'll never need anything ever again

and all of that

made me think

made me remember that

I'm called to jump off a cliff

without a parachute or bungee cord

with the certainty of losing my life

I don't know if I'll safely make it to the bottom

in one piece

but I know that if it's anything like bamboo and a parking garage

I'll never need anything ever again

So I'll jump off a cliff without a parachute or bungee cord

and lose my life

cuz somewhere in the mysterious fall

where I have no control whatsoever

I think I'll find it

I'll find life

I'll follow Tom Petty

and free fall out into nothing

and leave this world

to help usher in the next

I'll never need anything ever again

No Time

There isn't any time to waste

sitting in this 'he said' 'she said' kind of shit

It's time to get legit and quit acting like a bunch of kids

who whine fuss and spit when they don't get what they wish for

We are humans who mess up

piss each other off

but that doesn't change the fact that

WE NEED EACH OTHER

WE NEED OUR BROTHERS

to STOP fighting amongst themselves so that we can get down on our knees and fight the real war

the war raging in the unseen realm

the war waging for the souls of those we're supposed to be watchmen for

We're supposed to be watchmen for them

We know there are things unseen

because our eyes have been cleaned by the One who redeems

so it's on us, see

on us to be living free

daily

cuz we know that one day we

will be done with the frailty of the human will

to kill, take, steal and break

when the last dawn finally takes us away

in the blink of an eye or the snap of a finger

the saved will go home and the lost will not linger

no

they go to that place

I don't know if you know what it's called

cuz everyone seems to be afraid to call Hell an actual place

Yes, Hell is a place, ladies and gentlemen

it's a destination

for you who choose to live in your condemnation

sin

call it what you want but on your own you don't win

Sorry if i'm being a hard ass but it's true

if you feel you've won this life, guess what?

YOU'LL LOSE IT!

This is what they need to hear

Hard. Ass. Truth.

Not us talking back in forth, pointing fingers, asking who is it? huh? who is it we blame?

who's messing up the pride and glory of my name?

YOU'RE FRICKEN INSANE!

Look up from yourselves and see the hurting world

Friends, it's ours for the taking

May the Lord pave the way

as we pray and pray and pray for direction

but nothing happens until we say

'Okay'

and take that first step

towards Togetherness

breaking down all of our dress-up-iness

and seeing flesh and blood

brother and sister

ready to make history

take His Story

and tell the world

Let's

Tell the World

This is the Place

This is the place where hiking is not

sports bra and shoes

but

slippers and bathing suit

This is the place where they shake off the "shake hands"

and hug and honi

This is the place

I am from

and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Elizabeth

She crashes and burns again in this road wreck that is her life and all you can say is

"Oops, she did it again."

Are you serious? That's all you're gonna say?

Sit in you're high chair

her hair being rumpled and scuffed by the soles of your feet

as you rough her up and kick her around with your words

saying how she should have been more careful

shouldn't have gone there so

something so unrepairable would never happen again

SHE DON'T NEED YOUR JUDGMENT

SHE NEEDS A FRIEND

Not someone who will look on her and condemn

saying it's just her

her mistake and her lie

another fake, dumb, disturbing alibi

BUT IT'S NOT

IT'S NOT JUST HER

SHE'S MORE THAN THAT

She may be confused and broken

but she is first and foremost what her names says she is

Consecrated to God

and to add to that

my sister

MY sister

so back off

don't touch her she's fragile

if you gonna say things then say them but make them worthwhile

make them something that will make her smile

and help her remember that she's not a screw up like her life's story might implore you to decide

re-identify her in your mind

as Beautiful

cuz she is

my sister

she is Beautiful

Fatigue

I'm tired.

But somehow

I find the drive to keep getting up

and live like I still can.

But I can't.

Cuz I'm tired.

I don't wanna run anymore

but I can't bring myself to stay either.

I'm just tired.

That's all I know.

Please, help me.

I just wanna rest

but I don't know how anymore.

Keep running.

No, I'm tired. Please, I'm just tired.

You need to go.

Go away.

Leave.

Please, go away. I wanna stay, please, please go away.

Get up. Leave.

I want to rest.

Rest is not for you.

I need it.

Rest isn't yours.

I want it.

Never again.

Please, let me stay this time. Please let me stay. I can't...I can't keep doing this.

You have to.

Rest is not yours.

Here is uncomfortable.

You'll never hold it together.

Get out.

Leave.

Run.

In the end it'll be better.

All better.

The perfect choice.

You'll have no time to think.

No time to feel horrible.

Only room for the good feelings.

Which is perfect.

This

will be perfect

for you

and for them

which is why you need

to leave.

........

You're right.

I can't.

I can't stay here.

How could I have ever stayed here?

It's not for me.

This isn't for me.

I need to go.

I'm leaving.

Please, please don't make me stay.

I can't.

I can't stay.

Let me go.

Just trust me, you don't want me here.

No, you don't.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm fine

and I'm leaving.

Leave me alone.

You don't want me here

and I can't.

I can't be here.

Oh..what? You're still here? I'm sorry, I don't care =D

I don't know if you heard

but there's still a plan for me

a purpose for me

a perfectly picked divine destiny for me

and I'll lay this down on you like MC Hammer

and tell you that

you

can't

touch

this

mmhm yeah you

you know who i'm talking to

cuz you

you been around me a whole lot lately, haven't you?

reminding me how greatly I screwed up, haven't you?

telling me I'm done and this race ain't mine to be won, haven't you?

well I've HAD it with YOU

cuz me?

I'm gonna stand here

in the midst of my mess

dress myself in this all-nation salvation and say

YES. I AM redeemed!

So away with you, Death!

Yeah, yeah I know I don't deserve this

If there's anything I know for sure it's that I don't deserve this

But you can't put me on the bench cuz you ain't the ref of this game

So stop putting shame on me

cuz it's lifted

stop putting blame on me

cuz blame was scandalously shifted

and put on Him

the blame-less

who was made shame-ful

bound in chains, pulled down to a cross that He stretched His God-man frame across

embracing it cuz from that point on in His name the lost

finally had hope

I

finally had hope

hope in knowing that this life ain't mine alone to cope with

I ain't hopeless

cuz I know this

and so do you

and in the Name of the Sinless Savior, I can tell you what to do

like back the hell off

and you have to

cuz you

you lose

So go ahead and do what you think you can

I'm not moving

in the Truth I will stand

and as long as I do

like I said at first and all the while

MC Hammer style

You can't

touch this.

I'm Home

Not gonna put my sunglasses on today

cuz I wanna soak up as much light as I can

See everything illuminated in Hope

in Peace

in their soft light that nestles into all the cracks and holes of my brokenness

and fills me

roll down my window

not to cool off

but to breathe

because I can

I can finally breathe

I am free

I am free

I am free

my spirit rests

I am free

Run

He finally decided what would be best for him. His last two weeks at work were up, his plane ticket was purchased and his bank accounts emptied of their contents. His carry-on sized suitcase with only about a week's worth of clothes inside felt like a long-awaited relief to him: a load he could finally carry. Everything else in his room was staying exactly the way it was. His shelves, his car, his journal, his life...

He sealed the envelope with the last of his tears, mourning the life he once had. Inside reads:

To whoever finds this: I have gone somewhere. When I get there, I'll find a way to let you all know I'm safe, but until then, I know I just need to go. I know this is selfish and that I'll worry you, but I need to go. My car keys and cell phone are on my bed. I'll see you sometime.

None but a few really know why he left, and the few, as enraged and heartbroken as they are about his departure, they still honor him by not telling anyone why. They love him that much.

And he knows that. Which is why he ran. He couldn't take what was undeserved. He couldn't take the overflowing amounts of love that poured into him, all around him, especially from those who knew everything about him. The ones who have every right to disqualify him but instead band around him and help him stand again. Running makes sense, and because of that, he'll run as long as it takes to serve the right amount of time in the prison he and only he holds himself in. The prison with lies he chose to take a hold of, weld, make strong and sturdy, and cage himself in. The prison that he boarded up the windows to, so no light can get in, and no sign of life gets out. He'd rather be there than be free, because that, that is what makes sense.

We cry out for him, but nobody can make him come back. Nobody. Nobody except himself. He created his fugitive prison, and he knows how to get out. But nobody can make him choose freedom. Nobody. Nobody except himself.

runnowgowhyareyousittingthereLEAVE

Do you know how easy it would be for me

to embrace the fact that I'm diseased

and run away

so none of you are touched by this plague?

Cuz I'd do it.

I'd do it today.

I'd book a plane ticket

One way

Any way

Take me

North

South

East

West

Whatever is best for me

No, no, for you

cuz you don't want this

crimpled up mess infested person

come anywhere near to hurting you

cuz that's what I do right?

That's what I did?

Hurt?

Exert heartbreak on those who I love the most?

Yes.

I did.

I still do.

So, if you don't mind, I'll just leave.

I'll leave the keys in plain sight

clean my room up real nice

leave my guitar too cuz I won't pick up my pen to write anymore

The last thing to say goodbye to me will be the door

of the bank

that I enter to empty everything I have earned

into my pockets

close the door on this place in my life and lock it

hiding the key

so the only one who can ever make me come back is me

That's it

I got my ticket, money, clothes, and body

I'm sorry for the worry I'll cause

But I'll be in a safe place

I'll make sure that somehow you know

but right now I need to go

anywhere where nobody knows

who I ever was

knowing that everyone

including myself

needs to flee

away from

me

Ramblers

I like to think the crazy people that talk to themselves are talking to Jesus. True or not, I like to think it. It makes me smile. I wish I could be in conversation with Him like that. I mean, I could, but then I'd look crazy. Hm..maybe I should go a little more insane.

Untamed

I went to the zoo today. What got me was the tigers, the cheetahs and the lion. We've all seen these animals in action, whether it be on Animal Planet or in real life. They are fierce. They have agility and power and strength. And all of that is confined to a "habitat-friendly" cage. They just lay there, waking up everyday to the same thing, the only change being the faces of us humans who come to admire and gawk at them.

You're like a lion that chose to be caged, so that we could all run free. You possess that same presence I feel looking into the face of a lion through two inches of glass. You are drive, passion, glory and honor, and you chose to cage yourself in the suit of human flesh so you could die and set us free. Imprisoned for freedom.

But you didn't stay there. You didn't stay in the cage. You conquered it. You broke down the gates once and for all and ran free to be the untamed, ferocious Spirit you are.

And you are alive in me. You are alive around me. You are my untamable God and Savior. You love me ferociously and yield to nothing when it comes to your love for me. You can't. You love me that much.

A World Without Mirrors

What would it be like? The only thing I can think of that I'd need a mirror for is putting in my contacts, which I can totally do without a mirror. The only other time I use it is to check if my hair is brushed (which I don't do much anyway). Are mirrors necessary? Is it a necessity to check the way we look or have we made it a necessity? I mean yeah, on cars, alright, but that's not looking at yourself. I'm talking about the trying on clothes, check how you look, get ready for work, check how you look, plucking your eyebrows, check how you look. Is it necessary?

What if it weren't? What if no bathrooms had mirrors? No room, for that matter, had mirrors? Would that shift our society's views dramatically? Would we, dare I say it, not care how we look?

I long to be free from my insecurities. Maybe that starts with not staring myself down, finding the pimples on my face, the stray eyebrow hairs, the scattered freckles. Maybe I need to take down my mirrors and see how my life reflects in my everyday life. If I'm giving enough of the Love I receive to see it reflect off of people's faces, knowing that they are loved and cherished. That's the kind reflection that matters. Not the looks that are drawn towards me regarding my looks, but the reaction drawn from me regarding my actions.

So DOWN WITH MIRRORS! [Insert: righteously angry mob of revolutionists throwing their mirrors into the streets] ...end scene.

Year One Year Two

Year One hasn't made it very far. In fact, it may have went backwards. So far back that I don't even know where to start again, not being able to see where 'Start' was in the first place. Is that even possible? Is it possible to get that lost in myself? In my worries of my image? Of me? See all those 'my's? That's just the result of reflecting on Year One. Simply reflecting, and there's all those 'me's. Those 'me's that need to be 'He's.

I want Year Two to be different. I want the words 'Let's pray' to be normal. 'Healing' to be normal. 'Treasure Hunt' to be normal. Like breathing. Year Two has to have life and give life. Year Two has to be alive. It has to Start. It has to Go. It has to be Jesus. Not be made into Jesus. Be Jesus. Incarnate. That's the starting point. That's my starting point. I don't want Year One ever again.

Year Two is here. Year Two is making itself clear in stating that there's no more room for debating, sitting on the fence of my inheritance. I'm either In or I'm Out. Year Two needs that commitment from me. Year Two needs all of me, all the time. It's not afraid to shine. I just need to be okay with that too. Cuz it's Light or Darkness. There ain't no in between. I'm either gonna die out or live redeemed. Year Two won't stand for being ambiguous anymore. It's sure that it's time for ties to break from the life that I make for myself.

And I need Year Two. I need Year Two to bring me to You. Cuz I can't stand putting myself in the hands of those I have deemed worthy of directing my life when that power can only lie in You. I need Year Two. It holds my second chance. It holds my hope for the brighter day I see dawning on the horizon of the beautiful sea I rise and see you greet me with every morning.

Year Two is knocking on the door not to come in, but beckoning me to come out and play. Live. Breathe. Move.

Year Two is ready.

Are you?

A Shout to the Nations

I was sitting looking at pictures of when I went to India this past May. I started to think about when I was there. What I learned when I was there. The power I felt when I was there and it all felt foreign to me because I think I almost forgot. I couldn't believe I almost forgot all of that. I mean, how could I forget, you know? I left thinking there was no way I'd ever forget everything that happened. That I'd never forget all of my brothers and sisters. How the heck could I have forgotten? How could I forget

Kamal--How you lead your brothers in prayer

Ajay--How you provided Chai and fire for us in the middle of night

Goldie -- The leader of worship in you

Dipak--How you stole my heart with your smile

Reena--How you wouldn't let go of my hand

Mahima--Your eyes

Rinku--Your heart to love people

Bobby--How humbly you worship

Karan--How easily you were held in our arms

Suraj--My first friend

BC--The praise you gave to God for your life, your life, of all things

Sweety--How the soft touch of your hand to my face said everything I needed to hear from you

Amit--The way you engage everyone around you in the life you live

Anil..Sandeep..Saurab..Promod..Ashish..

How could I forget my family who fights for Jesus in India? How could I forget God's authority there? The pureness of His Spirit there? The worship I saw in it's truest form? How could I forget?

How do I keep pretending I don't have brothers and sisters all around the world tonight, praying, fasting, seeking, loving and serving Jesus?

I shouldn't. Because I do. I do have all of you. And it brings me the greatest sense of peace knowing I have all of you. Even if I don't know you, I have you. I have a brother lying in the streets of Chile. I have a sister in the suburbs of Tennessee. I have a family in India, a family in India. Even more than those I have already met. I know there's more who know Jesus in India than I know.

I wish I could know all of you. I wish I could look into all of your eyes and listen to all of your stories and share life with you. To see all the different faces of Jesus in the Children He has around the world. To worship in all your different languages but praising the same Savior. I wish we could all join together and finally be The Church that God has longed for to unite and work at the Body using all our gifts and talents He's given us to unleash His Kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. I wish..I wish I could know you all.

I can't...yet. But until then--

I will not forget you. You, my family, my flesh and blood, I will not forget you.

Hawaii

Beauty

found in every

person

path

and place

Laid in the foundations of the hearts that built this nation

This nation of love

nation of

peace

and

harmony

Nation of

living learning giving unselfishly

of oneself for the greater good

Not hating,

appreciating.

Taking into account

this beauty that's found all around

and doing something about it

not just staying, sitting on the ground, eyeing it out

and saying, "Hm, how nice."

No no,

if one really took in this beauty

I mean really took it in

they'd realize it's an active beauty

that acts on you and reacts to

what we take

take

TAKE from it

because we're slowly forsaking it

leavin it behind

prostituting it for the love of the nickel and dime

But my people of Beauty!

Stand strong!

Show that beauty has and always will belong here

right here

in the hearts of these

who love one another

not as Miss or Mister

but as Sister and Brother

bound not by ties of blood

but Beauty

Under the Bridge

I finally swallowed all my apprehensions and crossed the bridge of going under the bridge by Zippy's Kahala and talking to the people I see there all the time.

I met "Lydia, the Bunny Lady," ...her words. She showed me her rabbits. All 5 of them. She showed me their newborn babies. All 3 of them. I can't wait till she shows me her heart. The whole of it.

I met Carl. "I am from Alaska." He asked me questions. He asked where I was from. If I go to school. If I live in Kahala. I can't wait till he answers some of mine.

Crossing the bridge, under the bridge. I hope more bridges are built.

splatter

When I write, I write on pages with no lines

Cuz I can't stand my words being placed in the confines of that 2cm space provided for me

My words need freedom

My words can't be boxed up or measured off

cuz they contain passion from a heart that is fueled by the God who is immeasurable

By the God that breaks through the lines of boundaries

Who gives me a life that can't be defined by anything cuz it's constantly changing

and redefining definitions that I've made for myself

Definitions I've been taught as I've been brought up

In a world that needs to categorize and simplify in order to function

Which brings me to this junction of sticking to the status quo

or sticking to the "Ready? Go."

And don't tell me to stop

cuz I will not

I WILL NOT

STOP

Will NOT

DROP

What I am saying

These words stuck in my brain

like rocks that I need to disengage

so that the flow of life can regain the passageways

to my thoughts

to my passions that are caught up in selfishness

embellished by the constant worries of

"What are they gonna think?" "What if no one else agrees?" "They won't get it."

And you say to me

"What do the opinions of THESE matter? SPEAK child! Let the words I put in your mouth SPLATTER up against the walls! All over the pavement! My words are too big for you to keep inside, to hide. They are meant to be magnified by my glory. To tell the wonders of my Story that I want you to be a part of and in the midst of everything I have planned. Don't you understand? I WANT you. I want YOU and your words to go forth and give every part of your worth to. Stop acting like this ain't a part of you cuz I made it ingrained in the muscles of your heart. The muscles that I pump in my hand to give your body what it needs to think. To receive. To surrender, act and SPEAK! So Speak, Elise. Move. Even if it's only you, will you do it for Me?"

You...my redeemer and savior, heartbeat and breath, my death and life

I should do it for you

Just you

Just you

should be enough

You've always been enough

in the rough and smoothe

soothing me, healing me, breaking and still using me

confusing me with the way you operate

but finding joy in the fact that I don't have to navigate through this alone

No, cuz You're on the throne

and that makes you King

so yes, I will do it for you

I'll speak

I'll even sing when no one else wants to

I'll say the things that you want to use my voice to say

Yes

Today

I choose

to Speak

Already Done

If Heaven has Internet

If their Internet has blogs

and if Jesus has a blog

I want to read it

(three minutes later)

I almost published only that. But I stopped. I feel like He's already written it. Is writing it. And speaking it to my heart. Intertwining all the thoughts I'm longing to hear in everything around me, everything His wind touches and causes to sway to the rhythm of His breath that He breathes out as He sings to me.

So disregard the above attempt at being deep; the satisfaction to that wanting is profoundly deeper than I could have expected.

The Artist

061409

There's a spray artist on the streets of Waikiki. He's a big, built, white guy, who wears a gas mask, probably attempting to protect his body from the toxic sprays he could potentially breathe in for the hours he is sharing his talent.

After the B-Boys, the hilarious Popolo comedic/basketball act, Tabol, Lynn and I just happened to catch the artist spraying his last painting of the night. We watched with our mouths open as he sprayed, newspapered, sprayed, stenciled, sprayed, exacto-knifed, sprayed...

and I was lost. I never knew what exactly he was doing with one shape or shade of paint until maybe two or three more things were added to it. As things he kept spraying in more things, the picture became more and more alive: the circle he rubbed with newspaper was now a moon with defined craters and shadows; the white things he spread with his knife were now little mountains harboring the huge window into his black and white galaxy, accented with a rainbow. It was mesmerizing.

I started drawing the obvious analogy that "God is the Ultimate Artist". I wanted to be beautifully crafted like this man's artwork. I wanted someone to look at me, at the end of His work and have the same look on their faces, gaping in awe of what beauty His creation holds.

Why couldn't I? Why couldn't I be this beautiful? Why couldn't I look like these paintings?

And then I got it: the painting never fights back.

This artist lays his paper down and starts his work. The paper doesn't fight back. The paper doesn't protest being his canvas, and this is why the painting comes out the way it does.

But I, I fight back. I lift my corners from the edges of the piece of wood I'm laid on. I attempt to flip myself off of the work area, because I don't like being worked on. I have the greatest Worker of Masterpieces ready and willing and WANTING to create more beauty in me, but I move. I protest. I don't stay still long enough for Him to finish what He started.

All in all, most of the time, I don't trust my Creator.

But I still wanna be that beautiful. So I'm gonna try my hardest to not try my hardest anymore. To lay on my Creator's canvas in total, utter submission, and let Him make me beautiful. Let Him mold, and make me beautiful. Let Him press and knead, and make me beautiful. Let Him refine, heal, love, carve, crucify, ressurect

and make

me

beautiful.

061009

No.

I won't.

I won't say it.

Why should I say it?

What does it matter if I say it?

It doesn't change anything.

I know I am what you say I am

because you are Truth

my Truth

the only Truth I have to hold onto right now

and your Truth is absolute, but

No.

I won't say it.

Why should I say it?

What does it matter if I say it?

It doesn't change anything

I know I am what you say I am

because you are Truth

my Truth

the only Truth I have to hold onto

and your Truth is absolute

and I know

I know

I know I can trust it

You're telling me to trust it

and I want to

but it doesn't make sense.

No. I won't say it.

No!

I won't say it!

Why should I say it!

What does it matter if I say it!

It doesn't change ANYTHING

NOTHING CHANGES THIS

NOTHING CHANGES WHAT I DID

It's too big. Too big for you to erase.

You don't want to erase this

You don't want this to break your heart

You don't

YOU DON'T WANT THIS

I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE IT AWAY

LEAVE me here.

Leave.

You are too good to be in this mess with me

This dirty, filthy, double-minded, heart-breaking mess with me

You deserve so much more

than I can even begin to muster up with my hands

But YOU

YOU want me to say it

You want me to trust your words

to trust your Love that I refuse to feel

trust the authority you have

over my life

You want me to say that I..

I..

I'm..

Redeemed.

Forgiven.

From the moment my heart turned to you

in it's shattered pieces

and I cried that I was sorry

That I just wanted you

Just you

You just

took me in

took my sin

as I hid

and still hide

in the shadow your wings provide

and you whisper Life

into me

Breathe out into my body

as I take in fresh air

my whole being shaking

rejecting it

because I still think with Satan's pretenses

that I

am not able

to Live again

But you

You just

keep

breathing Life

in my hiding place

as I cry to you

You, never leaving my side

keeping both your eyes set on mine

to make sure I see

the fire that burns for me

the only reason I'm staying

is because You say

I belong here

I'm redeemed

I'm forgiven

I belong here

I don't feel it yet

but I'll say it

because I hear it from You

I'm redeemed

I'm forgiven

I belong here

I'm redeemed

I'm forgiven

I belong here

I'm redeemed

I'm forgiven

I belong

Here.

In Everything Now

061109

You're not just in my down times.

You're in everything now.

Everywhere I turn

Everything I hear

Everything I see

I hear You whisper to me

'I Love You'

In the breeze: 'I Love You'

Waking up from a nap: 'I Love You'

My car starts: 'I Love You'

I Breathe..

'I Love You'

You won't be silent this time. You aren't holding out. You need me to know this. You need this to be enough. I need this to be enough.

'I Love You' needs to fill my every movement. Every flick of my hair. Every blink of my eyes. Every single thought, until I'm in over my head. I need this to be my everything, to fill me up from the bottom of my feet till you spill out of my eyes and my mouth and my fingertips. I need your majesty to manifest. Manifest your majesty in me. Manifest your heavenly destiny you have sealed for me. Be. My. Everything.

What It Comes Down To

060809

Something is stopping me.  I have these thoughts in my head.  Good thoughts.  To do good things.  And I like them.  So I let them run forward.  In my mind.  Then there's this huge concrete wall that they smash into.  Full speed.  And they're gone.  Like they never even existed.  No residue.  No remnants.  Just the wall.  At the end of the alley.  Just the wall that everything is running into.  Just the wall.  The. Dead. End. That. Nothing. Gets. Past. 

Nothing is getting past the Wall.

Nothing

is getting past

me.

How Are You?

051409

I think there's a reason nobody takes this question seriously anymore

It plays out:

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

"How are you?"

"Great! You?"

"I'm Good!"

..and thats it

You start talking about what you're doing right then

You start talking about school

work

parents

kids

sports

everything

but

how

you're

really

doing

Lives could change if 'how are you' was taken seriously

If we genuinely cared about how that person is doing

and less about what that person is doing

or how other people besides that person is doing

The enemy is fully aware of this social queue

He is also fully aware of the alternative

of what 'how are you' could really be

Because

if we're   willing

willing to love

  love beyond social bountaries

I think it'd play out:

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What are you up to?"

"Oh, just looking around.  I need some new clothes."

"Right on.  How's Tommy?"

" He's great.  He's growing up so fast."

"Yeah I saw a picture.  He's huge!"

"Yeah!"

"So, how are you?"

And doors are opened

for Love to flow

to really listen

to this person's life

    life that may not be the best

           that may not be just "good, thanks for asking"

    or life that is full

    full of fruit

fruit we can rejoice with them about

All if we take the time

take time and use it

  use it as if it's all we have left

   

  and ask

How are you?

They Were Called Christians Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkLNfOsoxQg

My Communion

040509

I look down at a cup of red juice

and a small square piece of bread

"This is my body which has been broken for you.  Do this in remembrance of me."

So I break the bread

because I broke your body

and bring it to my mouth

and eat

"This is the blood of the new and everlasting covenant, poured out for the forgiveness of all sins.  Do this in remembrance of me."

of You...and that you willingly broke your body

so your blood could be poured out into this cup

a reminder that life with you

is messy

bloody

broken

...but indescribably Beautiful

in spite of it all

So I am not called to gore

but to Beauty

redefined in all ways possible

knowing that with that mess

is Divine Rest

So I

drink

in remembrance 

of Beauty

I eat

in remembrance

of Rest

letting that sweet cup of grape juice

coat my tongue

and sprinkle down my throat

and You are once again apart of me

via homemade unleavened bread

and Meadow Gold Grape Juice

I consume your sacrifice

as I'm reminded

that this messy Rest

will continue to consume me

Amore Video

It finally uploaded

www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5NRfZi5wtQ

And They Were Called Christians

031809

"And the disciples were first called Christians at Antioch"..

They were called Christians

They were called followers of Christ

because these people saw Jesus

and how these men's lives mirrored His

and they were called Christians

They healed

and they were called Christians

They fed

and they were called Christians

They loved

and they were called Christians

So nevermind what you have to say about yourself right now

Looking at your life

are you called a Christian?

Meaning, do people know that the LIVING SAVIOR is ALIVE in you?

Is that authority made known in your presence?

Are you called a Christian?

Don't get me wrong

I fall under the category of

"call myself a Christian" all too much

so much that I get caught in that security

like Salvation is something I bought

polished up

and put on a shelf for everyone to see

to show that I am free

but the reality is

I am missing the point completely

because Jesus shouldn't be someone I

bring out when I want to show what I got

but instead

with blow after blow

of His love and grace

of Him lifting my face towards His

getting lost in the taste of life He gives

I should become consumed

in His fire

that burns in His eyes

offering up the aroma of my living sacrifice

and going out and

healing

feeding

loving

giving

everything

I

have

for

His

glory

because

it's

the

only

thing

worth

living

for

and maybe

just maybe

people will look at me

and see Jesus

and I

will be called

a Christian

Silence

010307

I open this book

and I look

at a life once so alive

where I didn't have to hide from You

didn't have to be so down

cuz I KNEW what

who, when, where and why

I was living

when I could look to the sky

and say, "Hi, God"

without a snide little remark

in the back of my head

out of the darkness

making me think twice

about this awkward, crazy life

and then I stop

and suddenly I don't know what to say

I don't know what to pray

and I lay down again to let time

flow me by.  I

close my eyes

blind

and I'm gone

I lose myself in the days where

dawn dawns and dusk dusks

without me knowing it

because this gentle dust is

comfortable

it rocks me tenderly

never shocks me

thus making me

unbumpable

cuz I don't do anything that

tips my boat

so I stay afloat

not drowning in uncertainty

where my steps are clear to me

no curtain dropped in front of my view

that tells me to trust You

though I know not what hides behind door #2

and again I stop

Breathe

Think again why I'm going crazy

and I'm stuck in this 'maybe'

I think it's because...

I think it might be...

...and I open my eyes to no surprise

of my Best Friend holding me with tears in His eyes

cuz He's been listening and watching all along

singin a song over me

prayin', intercedin' that I'd be free

if I'd just let Him Be

and Exist

If I'd just fist-in-my-mouth shut up

and listen

listen

cuz this silence

invites

this silence

calms

and in this silence

there's a hope

and a faith

outside of all the debates

above the voices

voicing our choices

this silence

speaks