I'm Home

Not gonna put my sunglasses on today

cuz I wanna soak up as much light as I can

See everything illuminated in Hope

in Peace

in their soft light that nestles into all the cracks and holes of my brokenness

and fills me

roll down my window

not to cool off

but to breathe

because I can

I can finally breathe

I am free

I am free

I am free

my spirit rests

I am free

Run

He finally decided what would be best for him. His last two weeks at work were up, his plane ticket was purchased and his bank accounts emptied of their contents. His carry-on sized suitcase with only about a week's worth of clothes inside felt like a long-awaited relief to him: a load he could finally carry. Everything else in his room was staying exactly the way it was. His shelves, his car, his journal, his life...

He sealed the envelope with the last of his tears, mourning the life he once had. Inside reads:

To whoever finds this: I have gone somewhere. When I get there, I'll find a way to let you all know I'm safe, but until then, I know I just need to go. I know this is selfish and that I'll worry you, but I need to go. My car keys and cell phone are on my bed. I'll see you sometime.

None but a few really know why he left, and the few, as enraged and heartbroken as they are about his departure, they still honor him by not telling anyone why. They love him that much.

And he knows that. Which is why he ran. He couldn't take what was undeserved. He couldn't take the overflowing amounts of love that poured into him, all around him, especially from those who knew everything about him. The ones who have every right to disqualify him but instead band around him and help him stand again. Running makes sense, and because of that, he'll run as long as it takes to serve the right amount of time in the prison he and only he holds himself in. The prison with lies he chose to take a hold of, weld, make strong and sturdy, and cage himself in. The prison that he boarded up the windows to, so no light can get in, and no sign of life gets out. He'd rather be there than be free, because that, that is what makes sense.

We cry out for him, but nobody can make him come back. Nobody. Nobody except himself. He created his fugitive prison, and he knows how to get out. But nobody can make him choose freedom. Nobody. Nobody except himself.

runnowgowhyareyousittingthereLEAVE

Do you know how easy it would be for me

to embrace the fact that I'm diseased

and run away

so none of you are touched by this plague?

Cuz I'd do it.

I'd do it today.

I'd book a plane ticket

One way

Any way

Take me

North

South

East

West

Whatever is best for me

No, no, for you

cuz you don't want this

crimpled up mess infested person

come anywhere near to hurting you

cuz that's what I do right?

That's what I did?

Hurt?

Exert heartbreak on those who I love the most?

Yes.

I did.

I still do.

So, if you don't mind, I'll just leave.

I'll leave the keys in plain sight

clean my room up real nice

leave my guitar too cuz I won't pick up my pen to write anymore

The last thing to say goodbye to me will be the door

of the bank

that I enter to empty everything I have earned

into my pockets

close the door on this place in my life and lock it

hiding the key

so the only one who can ever make me come back is me

That's it

I got my ticket, money, clothes, and body

I'm sorry for the worry I'll cause

But I'll be in a safe place

I'll make sure that somehow you know

but right now I need to go

anywhere where nobody knows

who I ever was

knowing that everyone

including myself

needs to flee

away from

me

Ramblers

I like to think the crazy people that talk to themselves are talking to Jesus. True or not, I like to think it. It makes me smile. I wish I could be in conversation with Him like that. I mean, I could, but then I'd look crazy. Hm..maybe I should go a little more insane.

Untamed

I went to the zoo today. What got me was the tigers, the cheetahs and the lion. We've all seen these animals in action, whether it be on Animal Planet or in real life. They are fierce. They have agility and power and strength. And all of that is confined to a "habitat-friendly" cage. They just lay there, waking up everyday to the same thing, the only change being the faces of us humans who come to admire and gawk at them.

You're like a lion that chose to be caged, so that we could all run free. You possess that same presence I feel looking into the face of a lion through two inches of glass. You are drive, passion, glory and honor, and you chose to cage yourself in the suit of human flesh so you could die and set us free. Imprisoned for freedom.

But you didn't stay there. You didn't stay in the cage. You conquered it. You broke down the gates once and for all and ran free to be the untamed, ferocious Spirit you are.

And you are alive in me. You are alive around me. You are my untamable God and Savior. You love me ferociously and yield to nothing when it comes to your love for me. You can't. You love me that much.

A World Without Mirrors

What would it be like? The only thing I can think of that I'd need a mirror for is putting in my contacts, which I can totally do without a mirror. The only other time I use it is to check if my hair is brushed (which I don't do much anyway). Are mirrors necessary? Is it a necessity to check the way we look or have we made it a necessity? I mean yeah, on cars, alright, but that's not looking at yourself. I'm talking about the trying on clothes, check how you look, get ready for work, check how you look, plucking your eyebrows, check how you look. Is it necessary?

What if it weren't? What if no bathrooms had mirrors? No room, for that matter, had mirrors? Would that shift our society's views dramatically? Would we, dare I say it, not care how we look?

I long to be free from my insecurities. Maybe that starts with not staring myself down, finding the pimples on my face, the stray eyebrow hairs, the scattered freckles. Maybe I need to take down my mirrors and see how my life reflects in my everyday life. If I'm giving enough of the Love I receive to see it reflect off of people's faces, knowing that they are loved and cherished. That's the kind reflection that matters. Not the looks that are drawn towards me regarding my looks, but the reaction drawn from me regarding my actions.

So DOWN WITH MIRRORS! [Insert: righteously angry mob of revolutionists throwing their mirrors into the streets] ...end scene.

Year One Year Two

Year One hasn't made it very far. In fact, it may have went backwards. So far back that I don't even know where to start again, not being able to see where 'Start' was in the first place. Is that even possible? Is it possible to get that lost in myself? In my worries of my image? Of me? See all those 'my's? That's just the result of reflecting on Year One. Simply reflecting, and there's all those 'me's. Those 'me's that need to be 'He's.

I want Year Two to be different. I want the words 'Let's pray' to be normal. 'Healing' to be normal. 'Treasure Hunt' to be normal. Like breathing. Year Two has to have life and give life. Year Two has to be alive. It has to Start. It has to Go. It has to be Jesus. Not be made into Jesus. Be Jesus. Incarnate. That's the starting point. That's my starting point. I don't want Year One ever again.

Year Two is here. Year Two is making itself clear in stating that there's no more room for debating, sitting on the fence of my inheritance. I'm either In or I'm Out. Year Two needs that commitment from me. Year Two needs all of me, all the time. It's not afraid to shine. I just need to be okay with that too. Cuz it's Light or Darkness. There ain't no in between. I'm either gonna die out or live redeemed. Year Two won't stand for being ambiguous anymore. It's sure that it's time for ties to break from the life that I make for myself.

And I need Year Two. I need Year Two to bring me to You. Cuz I can't stand putting myself in the hands of those I have deemed worthy of directing my life when that power can only lie in You. I need Year Two. It holds my second chance. It holds my hope for the brighter day I see dawning on the horizon of the beautiful sea I rise and see you greet me with every morning.

Year Two is knocking on the door not to come in, but beckoning me to come out and play. Live. Breathe. Move.

Year Two is ready.

Are you?

A Shout to the Nations

I was sitting looking at pictures of when I went to India this past May. I started to think about when I was there. What I learned when I was there. The power I felt when I was there and it all felt foreign to me because I think I almost forgot. I couldn't believe I almost forgot all of that. I mean, how could I forget, you know? I left thinking there was no way I'd ever forget everything that happened. That I'd never forget all of my brothers and sisters. How the heck could I have forgotten? How could I forget

Kamal--How you lead your brothers in prayer

Ajay--How you provided Chai and fire for us in the middle of night

Goldie -- The leader of worship in you

Dipak--How you stole my heart with your smile

Reena--How you wouldn't let go of my hand

Mahima--Your eyes

Rinku--Your heart to love people

Bobby--How humbly you worship

Karan--How easily you were held in our arms

Suraj--My first friend

BC--The praise you gave to God for your life, your life, of all things

Sweety--How the soft touch of your hand to my face said everything I needed to hear from you

Amit--The way you engage everyone around you in the life you live

Anil..Sandeep..Saurab..Promod..Ashish..

How could I forget my family who fights for Jesus in India? How could I forget God's authority there? The pureness of His Spirit there? The worship I saw in it's truest form? How could I forget?

How do I keep pretending I don't have brothers and sisters all around the world tonight, praying, fasting, seeking, loving and serving Jesus?

I shouldn't. Because I do. I do have all of you. And it brings me the greatest sense of peace knowing I have all of you. Even if I don't know you, I have you. I have a brother lying in the streets of Chile. I have a sister in the suburbs of Tennessee. I have a family in India, a family in India. Even more than those I have already met. I know there's more who know Jesus in India than I know.

I wish I could know all of you. I wish I could look into all of your eyes and listen to all of your stories and share life with you. To see all the different faces of Jesus in the Children He has around the world. To worship in all your different languages but praising the same Savior. I wish we could all join together and finally be The Church that God has longed for to unite and work at the Body using all our gifts and talents He's given us to unleash His Kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. I wish..I wish I could know you all.

I can't...yet. But until then--

I will not forget you. You, my family, my flesh and blood, I will not forget you.

Hawaii

Beauty

found in every

person

path

and place

Laid in the foundations of the hearts that built this nation

This nation of love

nation of

peace

and

harmony

Nation of

living learning giving unselfishly

of oneself for the greater good

Not hating,

appreciating.

Taking into account

this beauty that's found all around

and doing something about it

not just staying, sitting on the ground, eyeing it out

and saying, "Hm, how nice."

No no,

if one really took in this beauty

I mean really took it in

they'd realize it's an active beauty

that acts on you and reacts to

what we take

take

TAKE from it

because we're slowly forsaking it

leavin it behind

prostituting it for the love of the nickel and dime

But my people of Beauty!

Stand strong!

Show that beauty has and always will belong here

right here

in the hearts of these

who love one another

not as Miss or Mister

but as Sister and Brother

bound not by ties of blood

but Beauty

Under the Bridge

I finally swallowed all my apprehensions and crossed the bridge of going under the bridge by Zippy's Kahala and talking to the people I see there all the time.

I met "Lydia, the Bunny Lady," ...her words. She showed me her rabbits. All 5 of them. She showed me their newborn babies. All 3 of them. I can't wait till she shows me her heart. The whole of it.

I met Carl. "I am from Alaska." He asked me questions. He asked where I was from. If I go to school. If I live in Kahala. I can't wait till he answers some of mine.

Crossing the bridge, under the bridge. I hope more bridges are built.

splatter

When I write, I write on pages with no lines

Cuz I can't stand my words being placed in the confines of that 2cm space provided for me

My words need freedom

My words can't be boxed up or measured off

cuz they contain passion from a heart that is fueled by the God who is immeasurable

By the God that breaks through the lines of boundaries

Who gives me a life that can't be defined by anything cuz it's constantly changing

and redefining definitions that I've made for myself

Definitions I've been taught as I've been brought up

In a world that needs to categorize and simplify in order to function

Which brings me to this junction of sticking to the status quo

or sticking to the "Ready? Go."

And don't tell me to stop

cuz I will not

I WILL NOT

STOP

Will NOT

DROP

What I am saying

These words stuck in my brain

like rocks that I need to disengage

so that the flow of life can regain the passageways

to my thoughts

to my passions that are caught up in selfishness

embellished by the constant worries of

"What are they gonna think?" "What if no one else agrees?" "They won't get it."

And you say to me

"What do the opinions of THESE matter? SPEAK child! Let the words I put in your mouth SPLATTER up against the walls! All over the pavement! My words are too big for you to keep inside, to hide. They are meant to be magnified by my glory. To tell the wonders of my Story that I want you to be a part of and in the midst of everything I have planned. Don't you understand? I WANT you. I want YOU and your words to go forth and give every part of your worth to. Stop acting like this ain't a part of you cuz I made it ingrained in the muscles of your heart. The muscles that I pump in my hand to give your body what it needs to think. To receive. To surrender, act and SPEAK! So Speak, Elise. Move. Even if it's only you, will you do it for Me?"

You...my redeemer and savior, heartbeat and breath, my death and life

I should do it for you

Just you

Just you

should be enough

You've always been enough

in the rough and smoothe

soothing me, healing me, breaking and still using me

confusing me with the way you operate

but finding joy in the fact that I don't have to navigate through this alone

No, cuz You're on the throne

and that makes you King

so yes, I will do it for you

I'll speak

I'll even sing when no one else wants to

I'll say the things that you want to use my voice to say

Yes

Today

I choose

to Speak